>23:10
my girlfriend just cleansed my room with sage smoke. hopefully it gets rid of some of the bad vibes and negative habits and sort of general lethargic feeling that’s been lingering in these corners ever since my depression started so to speak. hopefully. i believe it will. i love her very much and i thank her for trying to help even when i’m sad for no reason. thank you evy <3
<23:12
>23:33
was a little too depressed today.
<11:33
>13:00
holy fucking shit i need to get my shit together. i need to start doing shit. i need to get shit done. what the fuck. i am lagging so hard. on everything. everything i want to do has been not getting done for way too long. because i think too much and don’t act enough. action. i need to take action in my life. i do not work hard because i have been rewarded for doing too little for too long. i choose to fail the education system because i believe i can teach myself, yet i have completely failed to teach myself discipline. as easy as it is to blame that on my upbringing, in the end, it comes to me, myself and i. nobody else. so fuck. i need to get my shit together. again. i’m talking about this again. because of course i am. this is all i’ve been saying to myself for years and yet here i still am. will i always feel like this? i’m gonna if i don’t change anything. but what do i change? i don’t fucking know. i could start with waking up early and at least one or two things consistently in my joke of a lifestyle. i could put the ridiculous amount of time i have to myself to good use instead of wasting it away then asking for more at the end of it by cancelling on plans because i feel guilty for not making enough use of my time and going out, only to cancel and waste that newly gained time just as much. i’ve been slowly inching towards getting my shit together in terms of organization of my things, computer, room, etc. but not enough to actually make a significant difference. and those things should be such little distractions in the grand scheme of things anyway. i know i shouldn’t really compare myself to anyone but i really naively believed that i would be one of the greats or some bullshit like that. someone remembered my humanity for doing some life-changing thing for the better. but i’m halfway thru halfway thru my twenties and haven’t gotten started on anything major really. maybe i’m being ridiculous but how can i want to go to space and not be bothered to wake up past noon if i don’t got anything going on at the same time… i don’t understand myself. i frustrate myself. i want to get off my lazy ass and do something with my life but my mind has become numb to the sensation of drive almost… or more so, i feel blank when i should be doing something maybe. i wake up tired in the morning and the rest of life just doesn’t even cross my mind… i just think of how tired i am and go back to sleep if i can. am i still depressed? i feel happy… kinda… but i… i don’t know. fuck. i need to do shit. i want to say i will… i want to say i know i will…. i want to say i don’t have to that i don’t need to try to do shit because i just know that i will start to do shit right here right now this is the moment that everything changes. but i really i know that i don’t know that because i’ve said the same thing so many damn times before it’s really starting to annoy me… it’s been for a while… everything’s been for a while now… i keep thinking i hit lazy rock bottom and yet i still keep falling. whatever. fuck it.
<13:15
>15:13
2 weeks late but that’s okay. here we go.
<15:14
>21:47
21:48 now that i
m actually typing.
i have 21:49 now 11 minutes to plan my next 4 hours as beneficial productive time.
that sounds like a horrible name for something. i don’t know exactly what i’m getting at but i feel the need to do something really… i don’t know.
i have a lot to say in my head but i think i am going to express it through different mediums tonight.i have a list of priorities i’ve been putting off for a while and i need to get to them.
brb.
<22:02
>11:39
tomorrow’s the day
<11:39
>23:48
hi
<23:49
>00:44
yesterday (25april2018) was the last day that i was a lazy fuck-up. hopefully. i don’t know. maybe i’m being a bit harsh on myself, but there’s definitely a lot of people that could possibly come to that assumption of me if they saw my life in action. but at the same time, who gives a fuck about what other people think. but at the same time, at the end of day, the fucks everyone gives actually do matter. they determine the way the world goes right? the fucks people give, the things they care about, are the only things that drive them to do anything – and the people that do anything change the world. anything more than nothing. and it’s felt like i’ve done nothing for a while. so i guess with that logic, you could say i truly don’t give a fuck. but i do give a fuck. i want to make that show in my life more, but it’s easier said than done. but i think that might be part of the answer to the riddle of my depression. it’s not that i truly don’t give a fuck – if that were the case then i would not want to exist, because not giving a fuck is to not have an opinion, a say or a choice in how you want your life to be lived. while sometimes i may have felt like that throughout my life, at the true core of myself i think i do give a fuck. a lot of fucks. too many fucks. so many fucks, it overwhelms me and makes me feel like i can’t take care of all the fucks at once, if at all. ever. by this, i mean that there is so many things that i care about and want to do in this life, that i feel like i can’t focus on any one thing long enough to actually accomplish something meaningful in any area. ideally, i’d like to change the world. but i guess that’s idealist. i’ve been living in my head for a while… creating concepts and ideas about the way i think the world should work, but in any way that i can translate into reality, and make happen… and it’s been leading to a bit (a lot of) self-doubt. there’s so many things i want to do, and so many things i haven’t done. granted i’m 22 so i guess this all ridiculous to be stressing so much over about… but i really feel like it’s almost too late. too late to change my mentality on life. or at the very least, fucking discipline myself that least amount.
i can’t even keep this stupid fucking “blog” website bullshit consistent for fucks sake…
alright. idk what i even typed in that first paragraph, i had a totally different thought process in my head but fuck it… sometimes i have trouble explaining myself.
but one thought that i want to iterate here is:
i need to create my own kitchen.
my own little piece of working hell where i do nothing but get shit done til exhaustion – work and i mean actually work on my shit, the things that i want to get done with my life and my career. what the fuck do i want to do? piece by piece break that shit down to small accomplish goals that build to a global revolution that unifies humanity by embracing the idea that we will never be completely unified but we can come together in a much better way that whatever the fuck we got going on right now… unified under a concept or idea – not under any one leader. decentralized. communities. neighbors, around the world. different but the same. human.
and eventually, maybe something other than human. who knows. who gives a fuck. am i right?
alright. where do we go from here? i don’t know. i need to work on myself. music. drawing. writing. teaching. cooking. working out. eating healthy. taking care of myself, so i can take care of the people around me that i love. hopefully extend that to those less fortunate if and when i have the resources. in a way that directly impacts and really matters… i know people could say i could donate to charities or something but those are bullshit just like everything else…
idk whatever. i guess i should go now. i would usually say ill try and be more consistent this time but im tired of disappointing myself. tired of being lazy. tired of being tired. tired of saying this to myself over and over again and not fucking doing anything about it… i kept typing to end this at 01:11 and now it’s 01:12… but who gives a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
<01:13
>20:19
sorry i’ve been out for a while – worked a crazy weekend and learned that i need to work harder in my everyday life. i’ve already known that for sometime but this past weekend, i learned the feeling of what it means to work hard. i think it was the first time i’ve experienced a true sense of pride in the work i put into something without it being fun at all. which i’m sure is embarrassing to be feeling for the first time at 22. plenty of people who have been forced to live all work and no play all their lives, especially up until and further past my age. i guess i’m spoiled suburban late bloomer. i’ve been catching up on sleep and food all week but now there’s no more excuses. and that’s the scary part. the only thing getting in between me and the things i want, is myself. and i can’t get past him. he’s fucking stubborn. and lazy. so goddamn lazy. even after i’m forced to be everything but lazy with 3 back2back 15 hour work days. you would think i would be so appreciative of everything i have, which i am, but start to actually fucking show it terms of displaying something of a work ethic back home. but that’s the thing, i have nothing that really really really calls for a strong work ethic back home. i’ve somehow pulled off my dream of having enough free time to call myself my own boss but i don’t know what to do with it. or, i do know exactly what to do with it, i just don’t have the sheer fucking willpower. and that irritates the hell out of me. but i’m doing it. i’m getting my shit together. i don’t give a fuck what it takes. i’ll kick myself out of my own goddamn overly-luxorious house if i have to. i need to get into shape. mentally, physically, and spiritually.
<20:26
>22:44
will update in a few hours.
<<22:45