Author: admin

>23:48

last day of june 2018

<23:48

>23:50

late birthday cake

<23:51

>23:36

i spent this whole day smoking weed and playing video games. however, i am doing my best to spend the last hour of it on doing productive things. small accomplishments i guess. i’ve been told not to downplay them. i’m listening to a nostalgic album right now. i feel like it feels like the time that i’ve been missing. my missing feeling. idk if this makes sense but… the times where i first felt a productive surge late at night by myself in middle school and it felt amazing. it felt like my own little universe and i could do whatever i want with it…

instead i feel like the gap of time between then and now has been spent searching hard to find it again – the feeling, that is – and failing to obtain it. procrastinating the night away saying i’ll start being productive later til it’s anywhere between 1-5AM and i’m too tired to fight the sleep any longer, which leads to oversleeping the next day, which leads me to hating myself the next day.

of course there’s been increments of productivity and schedules and happiness in between here and there, but overall i feel like i know that i am not performing as well as i couldl/.,minlifeorwuatever

<23:45

>18:12

pssshhhhhhhh……………….

<18:12

>11:10

nvm lol good day today tho

<11:10

>22:22

ok im gonna post every day now something different no excuses no premade posts unless i truly have no internet access for the duration of the day no bullshit no whatever. fuck. let’s get this shit together.

<22:23

>21:36

doin not bad. not amazing or anything but doin well enough to type up a post on here so that’s better than the past few days. my birthday was not too long ago, i think it was the last time i posted actually. i said it was good and it was but still felt strange. or it felt like nothing it all. which i guess was strange.

anyway, i fucked up my custom theme and now it just shows a blank page so i’m reverting back to a preset theme for now. hope to fix it by tonight though. let’s see how that goes.

<21:39

>23:37

today was my birthday. it was a good day.

<23:37

>00:28

ok continuing from the last post… it’s tomorrow now. one day closer to my 23rd birthday that is seeming to be bringing some debbie downer thoughts along with it… that’s a pretty lame way of saying it but my depression has been sinking in alil’ deeper than usual these past few weeks. i felt like things were gonna change and they just even-more-stayed-the-same… i guess, if that makes sense.

i wish i had a better way with words, but it feels like i am so tired it hurts and i’m almost afraid to be anymore awake..? like i’m scared of dealing with each and every day for whatever reason. i just don’t want to address my existence in this place anymore. i kind of just want to ignore everything. but not for the sake of ignoring it and feeling a sense of superiority over – solely to have some true peace and quiet, both whatever thing is disturbing my mind as well as the disturbed thoughts themselves. gone. i want them to be all gone. and not disturbed as in disgusting – disturbed as in wanting peace and quiet and a break from this reality and some of the people in it just for slightly irritating me in some social situations or something stupid like that. idk wtf im talking about. all i know is right now i don’t want to talk to people but the more i don’t the more they want me to talk to them and the more they want that the more i want to magically have my goddamned mother fucking shit together already for fuck’s sake

i need to wake up and change.

<0-=0

>01:40

doing better. using a web dev coding tutorial youtube video as an oven timer for a midnight snack – this website might be temporarily deleted for a bit but it’s fine ~

<01:42

>22:10

gonnawriteaboutmydepression

or, try to at least… that’s as much as i got for now though.

<22:17