>23:36
i spent this whole day smoking weed and playing video games. however, i am doing my best to spend the last hour of it on doing productive things. small accomplishments i guess. i’ve been told not to downplay them. i’m listening to a nostalgic album right now. i feel like it feels like the time that i’ve been missing. my missing feeling. idk if this makes sense but… the times where i first felt a productive surge late at night by myself in middle school and it felt amazing. it felt like my own little universe and i could do whatever i want with it…
instead i feel like the gap of time between then and now has been spent searching hard to find it again – the feeling, that is – and failing to obtain it. procrastinating the night away saying i’ll start being productive later til it’s anywhere between 1-5AM and i’m too tired to fight the sleep any longer, which leads to oversleeping the next day, which leads me to hating myself the next day.
of course there’s been increments of productivity and schedules and happiness in between here and there, but overall i feel like i know that i am not performing as well as i couldl/.,minlifeorwuatever
<23:45