>13:00
holy fucking shit i need to get my shit together. i need to start doing shit. i need to get shit done. what the fuck. i am lagging so hard. on everything. everything i want to do has been not getting done for way too long. because i think too much and don’t act enough. action. i need to take action in my life. i do not work hard because i have been rewarded for doing too little for too long. i choose to fail the education system because i believe i can teach myself, yet i have completely failed to teach myself discipline. as easy as it is to blame that on my upbringing, in the end, it comes to me, myself and i. nobody else. so fuck. i need to get my shit together. again. i’m talking about this again. because of course i am. this is all i’ve been saying to myself for years and yet here i still am. will i always feel like this? i’m gonna if i don’t change anything. but what do i change? i don’t fucking know. i could start with waking up early and at least one or two things consistently in my joke of a lifestyle. i could put the ridiculous amount of time i have to myself to good use instead of wasting it away then asking for more at the end of it by cancelling on plans because i feel guilty for not making enough use of my time and going out, only to cancel and waste that newly gained time just as much. i’ve been slowly inching towards getting my shit together in terms of organization of my things, computer, room, etc. but not enough to actually make a significant difference. and those things should be such little distractions in the grand scheme of things anyway. i know i shouldn’t really compare myself to anyone but i really naively believed that i would be one of the greats or some bullshit like that. someone remembered my humanity for doing some life-changing thing for the better. but i’m halfway thru halfway thru my twenties and haven’t gotten started on anything major really. maybe i’m being ridiculous but how can i want to go to space and not be bothered to wake up past noon if i don’t got anything going on at the same time… i don’t understand myself. i frustrate myself. i want to get off my lazy ass and do something with my life but my mind has become numb to the sensation of drive almost… or more so, i feel blank when i should be doing something maybe. i wake up tired in the morning and the rest of life just doesn’t even cross my mind… i just think of how tired i am and go back to sleep if i can. am i still depressed? i feel happy… kinda… but i… i don’t know. fuck. i need to do shit. i want to say i will… i want to say i know i will…. i want to say i don’t have to that i don’t need to try to do shit because i just know that i will start to do shit right here right now this is the moment that everything changes. but i really i know that i don’t know that because i’ve said the same thing so many damn times before it’s really starting to annoy me… it’s been for a while… everything’s been for a while now… i keep thinking i hit lazy rock bottom and yet i still keep falling. whatever. fuck it.
<13:15