>00:44
yesterday (25april2018) was the last day that i was a lazy fuck-up. hopefully. i don’t know. maybe i’m being a bit harsh on myself, but there’s definitely a lot of people that could possibly come to that assumption of me if they saw my life in action. but at the same time, who gives a fuck about what other people think. but at the same time, at the end of day, the fucks everyone gives actually do matter. they determine the way the world goes right? the fucks people give, the things they care about, are the only things that drive them to do anything – and the people that do anything change the world. anything more than nothing. and it’s felt like i’ve done nothing for a while. so i guess with that logic, you could say i truly don’t give a fuck. but i do give a fuck. i want to make that show in my life more, but it’s easier said than done. but i think that might be part of the answer to the riddle of my depression. it’s not that i truly don’t give a fuck – if that were the case then i would not want to exist, because not giving a fuck is to not have an opinion, a say or a choice in how you want your life to be lived. while sometimes i may have felt like that throughout my life, at the true core of myself i think i do give a fuck. a lot of fucks. too many fucks. so many fucks, it overwhelms me and makes me feel like i can’t take care of all the fucks at once, if at all. ever. by this, i mean that there is so many things that i care about and want to do in this life, that i feel like i can’t focus on any one thing long enough to actually accomplish something meaningful in any area. ideally, i’d like to change the world. but i guess that’s idealist. i’ve been living in my head for a while… creating concepts and ideas about the way i think the world should work, but in any way that i can translate into reality, and make happen… and it’s been leading to a bit (a lot of) self-doubt. there’s so many things i want to do, and so many things i haven’t done. granted i’m 22 so i guess this all ridiculous to be stressing so much over about… but i really feel like it’s almost too late. too late to change my mentality on life. or at the very least, fucking discipline myself that least amount.
i can’t even keep this stupid fucking “blog” website bullshit consistent for fucks sake…
alright. idk what i even typed in that first paragraph, i had a totally different thought process in my head but fuck it… sometimes i have trouble explaining myself.
but one thought that i want to iterate here is:
i need to create my own kitchen.
my own little piece of working hell where i do nothing but get shit done til exhaustion – work and i mean actually work on my shit, the things that i want to get done with my life and my career. what the fuck do i want to do? piece by piece break that shit down to small accomplish goals that build to a global revolution that unifies humanity by embracing the idea that we will never be completely unified but we can come together in a much better way that whatever the fuck we got going on right now… unified under a concept or idea – not under any one leader. decentralized. communities. neighbors, around the world. different but the same. human.
and eventually, maybe something other than human. who knows. who gives a fuck. am i right?
alright. where do we go from here? i don’t know. i need to work on myself. music. drawing. writing. teaching. cooking. working out. eating healthy. taking care of myself, so i can take care of the people around me that i love. hopefully extend that to those less fortunate if and when i have the resources. in a way that directly impacts and really matters… i know people could say i could donate to charities or something but those are bullshit just like everything else…
idk whatever. i guess i should go now. i would usually say ill try and be more consistent this time but im tired of disappointing myself. tired of being lazy. tired of being tired. tired of saying this to myself over and over again and not fucking doing anything about it… i kept typing to end this at 01:11 and now it’s 01:12… but who gives a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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